DRUNK ON MY OWN IMMORTALITY: An Immortals Drinking Game
Last night I watched Immortals on blu-ray by myself in the dark. It’s a pretty okay movie, as far as movies go. I was not bored. But not unlike many things in my life, I knew that one thing could take it from “pretty okay” to “TOTALLY SUPER AWESOME FUN HOLY COW” with very little effort: DRINKING.
THE IMMORTALS DRINKING GAME RULES
- 1 drink every time there is gratuitous shirtlessness
- 1 drink every time Theseus expresses his pent-up rage
- 1 drink every time Theseus has abandonment issues
- 2 drinks every time there is dialogue that is NOT exposition, backstory, or foreshadowing
- 1 drink every time a character wears a ridiculous headdress
- 2 drinks when that headdress has been deemed so important by the filmmakers that it is allowed to muffle the character’s dialogue almost to the point of unintelligibility
- 3 drinks when the character is Mickey Rourke and the headdress is a lobster claw
- 1 drink every time someone says the phrase “virgin oracle”
- 1 big gulp when a Greek soldier delivers a terrible pickup line
- 2 drinks when women do something badass
- 1 drink every time a character makes a big deal about whether he/she either does or does not believe in the gods
- 2 drinks when there is a gratuitous full-screen shot of a bare ass
- 1 drink every time hyena (you’ll know what this means)
- 1 drink for what has got to be in the running for the most literal deus ex machina ever committed to screen
- 1 drink every time you think you’re about to get a glimpse of Theseus’ dick in bas relief
I guarantee this drinking game will get you drunk, but if you have doubts then you can just ignore all the above rules and follow the
SUPER SECRET CHARIOT PATH TO ALCOHOL POISONING
- Drink every time someone has a different accent
- Drink every time the mythology is just… wrong
You guys, two years almost to the day that I wrote these rules, I have finally convinced my friends to play it. AND IT WORKS REALLY WELL.
So determined for a makeout. Then I ACCIDENTALLY MAKE OUT WITH A GODDAMNED CANADIAN WHO SMELLS LIKE CIGGARETTES
The shirt I wore while I read the *NSYNC fanfic I wrote at age 8 to my friends tonight #nsync #nsyncforever #iwasEIGHT
I wrote this when I was eight (EIGHT!). It is 30+ pages, single-spaced, self-insertion fan fiction.
I just reread it and laughed so hard I cried.
Then laughed so hard I ALMOST THREW UP.
Wanna get really drunk and then go to brunch tomorrow?”
— The only thing I needed to hear when I walked through the door after a mediocre date, bringing with me a McFlurry and a bad attitude. My roommate Ally is the best and she just handed me a handle of Fireball so this night’s bout to turn around
I just want you to know that if I get selected for the Hunger Games, you shouldn’t volunteer to take my place because you have a really important job and it’s to get really drunk and yell at the TV the whole time I’m competing and to make a drinking game for all our friends to play.”
— Ally had this important thought right before we went to bed.
Gonna be honest, from the trailers for the second one I thought this guy was like a loving Albus Dumbledore type figure.”
Ally is watching The Hunger Games for the first time and is having some illusions shattered about President Snow
She also only refers to Cato as Jackson (as in Teen Wolf)